Ripped

And if this pain exists, it too is your gift to me and I shall wear this as my personal brand of courage - for I am a fighter - I was meant to live and not merely survive!
So help me God.

Otis Redding

played on this Sunday morning got me thinking about the last days of December 2004. There we were , TJ, Akhil, Rick and me - cleaning up the aftermath of a gigantic parents-away-let's-trash-this-place party while studying for the upcoming trimesters. TJ's b'day sometime around Christmas , me hitting some smarmy (but cute) buddy of his on the head with a breezer bottle - never ever patronize me , esp when i'm drunk (and yes, I can get happily high on breezers alone:) ) - Arun psyching out the poor rickshaw driver as we went out late night to get more booze, all of us sitting in a 'karmic'/'panchayati' circle in the park sharing smidgens of drunken 'gyan'. Flashback memory also recalls waking up to the news of the Tsunami, discovering that the house was well and truly trashed (someone tried to flush beer bottles down the loo!) and that we had enough leftover biryani for 3 days and no more money (so yeah - the next 3 days were all abt biryani and creative inputs like ketchup, bhujia, popcorn(?) - you get the drift), more bottles retrieved from the potted plants in the balcony, Kotler and dumbbells (so one of us would work out while answering questions on the 4Ps, 7Cs and whatever...). And then there was otis Redding.
The song in question is called 'Sitting(on the) Dock of the Bay' - and for some reason, all 4 of us found it to be more profound than Floyd,Cobain,Jim (my)(Morrison and Hendrix),Pearl Jam, LedZep - well we'd just sit/ stand in the balcony, swaying our heads to this number played over and over and over again as we watched the Bandra sea. And we thought life was real tough , so screwed up and complicated , we didn't know where we were and where we were going - and so we just worked out with Kotler and sang Otis Redding while coping up with beer stains on the ceiling and cigarette burns on the sofa ...
Those were the days - I'd rather deal with the 'complications' of then as opposed to the seriously screwed up 'here and now'.
Fuck - some day today will be 'those days' and I shudder to think that tomorrow's 'here and now' might be a lot worse.
For now, I will simply sway to Sitting on the dock of the bay ..........

It's official.....

.....I have turned into weepy woman. Gone is the high of the last couple of months when all was bright and starry, shining and glittering with opportunities. I seem to have hit rock bottom ; and no - it's not just because of yesterday's events - they were merely the last straw, not root cause. I don't know what the root cause is. And I don't care - to know or to fight this downward spiral. It sucks - everything - life, lifestyle, career, me and the world around me, everyone, everything....

I have no love, no life , no career, no goals, no kids, no smiles and no laughter.....

I'm going to get royally drunk tonight and then bawl my eyes out.

Travel Etiquette

1. Talk on the phone. Loudly and incessantly. Discuss your work, the new project that you've just taken charge of, your maid's habit of constantly coming late, your shopping (past, present and planned ) - esp your diwali shopping, the last movie you watched, future movie watching plans. Please go ahead and let all those around you know just how busy and important, hassled and harried, loved and sought after you are. After all, we're all in awe of the exciting life you lead!

2. Snore while sleeping. Loudly and incessantly. We know your boss flogged you at work and then the wife's constant nagging kept you awake all night long. So while you catch up on your dose of shuteye, treat us to the acoustics!

3. Again on sleep - use the next person's shoulder as a pillow . After all, each (wo)man is his(/her) brother (?)'s keeper and we won't mind at all. After all shoulders were created to comfort and succour the weary and going by points 1 & 2 above, we know just how weary you are!!!

4. Peep. Yeah - go ahead and peep into your co-passenger's mobile/laptop/ipod/book. And read the newspaper only when it's held in the next person's hand - it'll be far more exciting. Also, peep over seat dividers, shoulders, down her shirt ...... just go ahead!

5. Stare. Do this once you're bored of peeping. Or go ahead - just use those goggled eyes god (in his infinite wisdom) gave you! Stare at the next person's food/drink/bag/anatomy/ any thing goes buddy!!!

6. Do not hold back your brat - oops, your child / your very own precious little bundle of joy/whatever - from running up and down the aisle, yelling/crying/screaming (it's a healthy form of exercising the lungs you know!). Encourage the little tykes , exhort them to exhibit their fullest potential as inherited from their godlike parents (you ofcourse!), let them sing, dance, puke all over the place and spatter other travelers too...After all, kids will be kids.

7. Complete all your kids' school homework - excellent use of time and the rest of us get to revisit grammer, punctuation, word meanings, math tables . It's a serious public service.

Btw - am still in the train ;) and yes! am being subjected to all of the above (almost - no kid's puked on me - yet.).

In which I blaspheme freely...

Unwanted Grace,
O' cruel sound,
Why dost thou saveth a wretched me,
I am forever lost,
And want not to be found,
Am blind,
and forever will be ...

And the earth will still spin on its own axis......

Barack Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize 2009. By doing so, he now joins the ranks of past recipients like Lech Walesa, Mother Teresa and Martin Luther King for his service to mankind. His contributions towards creating a better world are now ranked on par with those Amnesty International, UN Peace Keeping Forces, Medecins Sans Frontieres, ICRC and Amnesty International.

Congratulations .

Over the next few days (or even months and maybe for years to come), this news will dominate all media – print, audio and visual. There will be articles, there will be critiques, paens , odes (ok -this is exaggerated but still…).The committee's decision will be lauded, criticized, debated and dissected at various fora. Seemingly, history has been made. We may never hear the end of it.

I have but one thought - Mahatma Gandhi has never been awarded the Nobel Prize. He was nominated 5 times but he has never won.

Liberated...

from tradition.

from societal diktats.

from mental blocks.

from a 7 year habit.

from fasting.

from you.

Happy Karva Chauth (loser!).

Opportunity Cost

Don't get me wrong - this is no longer about you. With you I've made my peace - rather - am in the process of regaining my sense of balance (you did sweep me off my feet - in the beginning and at the end!). About you, I've realized that it is indeed better to have loved and lost as opposed to having never loved at all ; someday, I hope I will believe that it was actually better for me to have loved and lost (you), that to have kept loving !

So you see, this is really no more about you.

No. This is about the ones that I never loved at all - because I was busy loving you. The men who were scarce spared a glance because I was too caught up in you. The ones who glanced and smiled but received only a frown and a distracted look because I was lost in thoughts of you. This is about the ones who had live with being 'just friends' because they were constantly reminded that I was 'off limits' - who knew I would lay my head on their shoulder only to sob my heart out whenever you so chose to break it - they consoled themselves with the thought that it was better to be my buddy and know me than to have never known me at all (and I know this because they told me - in as many words!). The ones who have swallowed pain and utter misery because unknowingly, unthinkingly, I broke their heart over yours.

This is about the one man who's heart is still broken.

They were my Opportunity Cost - my next best alternative foregone - because I chose you. I do not regret choosing you (mostly) - but - yeah, the loss of my OC hurts. Because some of them really were amazing people - and most of them will never come back.

So these days when I think of us and where we are today, my sorrow has more to do with my losing out on fantastic opportunities and very little to do with losing you. For losing you is a loss I can bear...

Cinders baby - this shoe fits!

'Come lay beside me, this won't hurt I swear
She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again...'

Manipulative

Yesterday was Hanu's birthday. Hanu is my fave cousin ......he's my maternal uncle's son and next in line for whatever.....just a year n half younger to me and he n I have always been as thick as thieves. Mostly since we were the only two brats in the family for almost 5 odd years till Koko came along to liven things up. So well, yesterda was his birthday.
And I forgot . I just plain dumb forgot!
And the big deal on that is that all his life, I've never ever forgotten his birthday - I'mnormally the first one to call him and wish - no matter where I am I always call. And I forgot!!!
So I woke up this morning and my first thought was that it was Hanu's birthday yesteday and I forgot. And so, I decided to bluff my way through . I sent him a nice , cheery, well worded birthday wish and also hinted that I'd bought something really nice for him - the idea being that either he would fall for the trick and think his birthday actually was today (yeah I actually tried to do this!) or he would concentrate on the gift but or better still both!
Obviously , he wrote back that he was very angry and upset that I forgot - he waited for my call all day - and he really was pissed.
I still refused to give in and admit that I did indeed .....ahem! So I actually wrote back , askinghim to shutup and remember that his birthday actually was today and the proof of that was that since I never forget his birthday, ergo it must be today and it was he infact who actually forgot and presumed it was yesterday ! (Call me evil farang just go ahead and say it!)
True to his role as an eversuffering younger brother to an evil bitch like me, he sweetly responded with the words ' well everyone else wished me yesterday and i also cut the cake yesterday so i think it was yesterday but if you insist, i'll celebrate again today, i really don't mind shifting dates by a day!'.
I still havn't admitted to ......ummmmm......well let's just say I'll stick to saying he was born on the 30th and not on the 29th. Manipulative me .....
Hanu - here's wishing you a year of joy and a lifetime of happiness (irrespective of yesterday, today or tomorrow) ..... have a rocking year ahead bro!!!

At home this weekend...

After a long time actually s had quite forgotten what a mad rush it would be at the Volvo counter. Well, did get the ticket eventually but stood in line for almost 2 hrs - not helped by the fact that I had the proverbial flushed cheeks and fevered brow !
Had some interesting company on the way - discussed philisophy, religion and music apart from cursing the rude bastard sitting in front who refused to co-operate with reducing the recline angle on his chair - yeah I know those seats are meant to be reclined but seriously dude - have a care for the poor person sitting behind!
But really the journey was quite fun - Saahil , if you're reading this - don't worry you'll always be my favourite travel companion to Chandigarh and really I did miss you a bit yesterday - actually more because I knew you'd pitch in your own fight with the guy sitting in front.
So, am home now - Mom's happy and so's Sim though she seems to be giving me a bit of a cold shoulder. Poor kid looks haunted these days - she's either in tuition classes or furiously into her books at her desk - so a fight with me can't have helped the last week along. Methinks I have some serious making up to do - the Goa presents seem to have thawed her a bit but a lot remains to be done . Yeah - I admit I'm scaed of my own kid sister who may be almost a decade younger but is taller, beefier and can throw punches far harder than me - and yes, her anger is worse , way worse than mine!
More on this later :)

Rudransh

Begin the Beguine – A chance meeting at the shop of a sardar selling pav bhaji at VT turned into a sustained discussion on the architectural differences between Delhi and Mumbai – the first time i met a mind capable of appreciating and even enjoying the city’s oft ignored colonial charms. The next few days saw us drenched in sudden downpours, dodging well dressed and barely-discernable-at-first eunuchs and freaking out over the invisible ghost haunting the fire temple opposite our apartment. Over bhajia pav, impromptu pedicures and some massive shopping expeditions, I finally found a friend equally at ease with Bertrand Russell and Tariq Ali – and a man neither intimidated nor bored by my own interest in geopolitics and ancient history.
The past 4 years have seen me walk in and out of your life at will Rudy – and i’ve never heard you complain or mind even once. I do the disappearing act one day and months later, i call at 2 am on a weekday and there you are – and that’s what really gets to me , your amazing ability to go the distance even for recalcitrant ‘Macavvity’ friends like me . I always laughed this off by singing Khuda Hafiz but you never let go...
And so, in the past couple of months, I’ve come to realize that beyond the sexy grin, the devil may care attitude and the smart mouthed wit, the Michael Porter meets Chanakya grey cells and your own special brand of creativity, beyond the Gopi Number 1 – Gopi Number 15 and the sheer confidence with which you carry yourself, beyond all this that is so obvious about you , the one thing that really sets you apart from the rest of us is the way you care – and the way you never ever make a huge fuss about it ....... just go on caring.....you're just always there !
So 4 years ago, I never thought I’d say this someday (but I guess I thought wrong ) - Rudy - you’ve gone from being an acquaintance to a pal to a buddy to a friend to someone who’ll always be a very special part of my life. Thanks for being there whenever I've needed my friend and thanks for time and again reminding me that a true Diva never gives up , especially when she’s got you by her side.
Jai Ho!
P.S. – I owe you a song (and a sonnet)..... I haven’t forgotten :)

Once...

...you were all that was real to me...
you still are ...all that's real to me....
...and you always will be.

Scrapshots and fragments

January 2006 : it's a cold day and I've been wheeled out of the OT following a nose operation which, thanks to my adamant stance on pain of any kind has been completed successfully under GA as opposed to the more common local anasthetic. Deep is away at IIMA, participating in a variety of competitions, ranging from singing to choreography - the works! I have mom with me but I need Deep to be here , hold my hand , and generally commiserate with my current state.
Sometime during the day, the phone rings and it is him - he's far far away but he's with me. And over a bad connection I ask him to sing for me. And he does.
23 year old Divya lies on a hospital bed while 23 yr old Deep sings to her over a long distance call. I can see it in my mind and I'm smiling.

I'm haunted by his voice (as on the phone , singing that day).

I'm still walking...far away...

It's early in the morning

And I should be asleep ! After all , with the hours I keep it's pretty late in the day for me. but I can't sleep . I'm haunted by something a friend said to me today - to wit - 'So here I keep dipping my cup of moronic hopefulness into my bucket and it keeps turning up stone dry' .
That one statement sums up so many moments - moments of despair, of having your heart walked on , of being thrown down every time you tried to stand, of twisted ankles when you wanted to run, of watching dreams shatter in a span of moments, of gasping for breath, of not knowing where you were and where you will end up, of dipping that damned cup over and over again, wishing and hoping and waiting...
I'm off to bed - tomorrow's another day I shall dip that cup yet again. And so will my friend.
One of these days I'll just fling the damn thing against the wall and laugh while it shatters into a million little pieces. I'll fling my friend's cup too. And then, I'll up-end both our buckets !!!
What Fun ;)

Irritants - Part I

1. Red nail paint that won't go away properly till you've been to the parlor for a pedicure.

2. Post pedicure wait for the damn paint to dry off before you can slip your toes into your slippers and finally leave for home.

3. Soon to be ex- husbands who refuse to do the decent thing and grant you your freedom!

4. Waiting for the phone to ring.

5. Kid sisters who call and eat your brains about their birthday gifts (due from last year) when you're anyways irritated (see Irritant no. 3 above).

6. Wearing white and always (always - without fail always) spilling your food.

7. Crying out of sheer frustration at not being able to sock someone in the eye!

8. All of the above happening on the same day.

Odyssey - So LAME a Journey!

Was at Shahi's this entire week (still am !) and finished with the Sophie Kinsella I'd carried to tide me over. Since the very thought of not carrying enough reading material gives me the shivers, I managed to coerce Shahi & Rishi into accompanying me to the nearest bookstore.

Odyssey is one of those upmarket , mall oriented retailers that purport to sell books, music , gifts, stationery - well you get the drift. Since 'Books' is mentioned in a much bigger typeface on their shopping bags, I figured they were a safe bet for some intense retail therapy (my bad farang - I'm an avid reader).

Well without going into too much detail, I will only say that post 45 minutes of browsing, all I could come away with was 'The Beach ' by Alex Garland (a Penguine edition ?) and Isaac Asimov's Foundation. And that pretty much says it all!!! Oh and I searched and searched for a regular Parker fountain pen - but too no avail - in a store that has a lot of space devoted to 'Stationery' (well I did pick up some cute Chinese make erasers for my niece - atleast someone's happy!).

Actually , the fault is mine . I forgot that in a consumerist world fixated on 'flavor of the day', you can't expect a mall retailer (of any kinds) to offer comfort - they exist to dish up mass produced 'popular' stuff that's off the quicker than you or I can say 'Fountainhead' (MIA at Odyssey - and they don't carry a single copy of the Iliad or The Odyssey - tsk! tsk!). Then again , Crossword is a similar retail chain operating in the same segment (almost) and the experience is so much better !

Anyway - Shahi ended up picking this really cool pair of Shot Glasses (am not so much of a purist farang that I will only lament the irony here - those glasses are definitely the best buy of the lot!)

As for me , I will go back to haunting the old favorites at South Ext. in search of arcane titles and evocative experiences.

And I do have two damned good books to read!!!

The Best Gal Pals Ever...

Waiting and watching

I just took a decision I never thought I could (notice - I said 'could' not 'would'). And this was neither spontaneous nor the outcome of an intensive alcohol and gal pal 'sob on the shoulder - show him what you're made of gal!'session. Nor was I upset, angry, or traumatised when I decided on the one thing I never thought I could (bear with me farang - the oriental mindset is complex and multilayered).

What truly perplexes me is that I'm calm - so calm that I could probably be a weed plant - really and this is freaking me out - the fact that I have yet to truly freak out over the choice I've made (and will stick to on pain of death).

Maybe it will hit - one of these days I'll suffer a full blown cold turkey . I always said the infection was in my bloodstream . Maybe one day I will wake up shivering and sweating, rivers of blood running down my face (yeah - always felt more 'sympath' than Xhex), heart pounding, numbed, shocked , agonized .... And that's why I'm watching, always watching . And waiting.

But till that time (and it might happen, might not - who knows the drug is already out of my system, leached by time and torpor), I'm alive. More alive than I've ever been and maybe ever will be ...

As a friend once wrote - its goooood.......S'all good!

OMG

Falling.
Hard.

Reflections - Thank You

'You made me laugh,
I'm crying your tears...'

I've tossed and turned, been wretched, aching , drowned in my own tears, had my heart drawn and quartered, my feelings scattered to the winds. I've wept and laughed and known not either emotion. I've questioned, debated and argued - Why Me ? Why Me?

All this while, I've known that there are many others who face worse and that 'but for the grace of god , there go I '. But I've now known of atleast one such person who has not only faced far worse, but done so with such courage and fortitude that her very life is a beacon to others.

Thank You. You know who you are. Thank you for sharing her life with me. I now know that there are far greater reserves of courage in every one of us , in me , than I ever though possible. I now know that life is beautiful not through others but through what we make of it. I will not let this pass me by. I will not cry or fall to life - I will welcome each day as it comes and live each moment to its fullest.

Once again - Thank You.

Request for Help!

Random visitors to this space: if any of you know how to peel a cashewnut, please post instructions. I'm thoroughly annoyed and irritated right now!!!

Savage Garden - makes complete sense to me!

Cool breeze and autumn leaves
Slow motion daylight
A lone pair of watchful eyes
Oversee the living
Feel the presence all around
A tortured soul
A wound unhealing
No regrets or promises
The past is gone
But you can still be free
If time will set you free

Time now to spread your wings
To take to flight
The life endeavour
Aim for the burning sun
You'll be trapped inside
But you can still be free
If time will set you free
But it's a long long way to go

Keep moving way up high
You see the light
It shines forever
Sail through the crimson skies
The purest light
The light that sets you free
If time will set you free
Sail through the wind and rain tonight
You're free to fly tonight
And you can still be free
And going higher than mountain tops
And go high the wind don't stop
And go high
Free to fly tonight
Free to fly tonight

Sunday morning

and the worst is over.....the Crocin helped I guess. Downed a couple at lunch yesterday (Thank You - TGIF for some amazing music)and then spent the evening hungover! Spent all night tossing and turning with a bad headache and nightmares. But its Sunday Morning - and the sun's out :). Also, am reassured that despite the strongest of urges to do so, didn't give in to the instinct to grab a spoon and dance on the table - yep have done this a few years back...... thank god for non repeats .....Tina I miss you buddy - wherefore art thou (o partner of childish and winsome delights)?

Frances Farmer will have her revenge onSeattle

And I have been wearing Deep's shirts to sleep of late - all his Sollys, Heusens, Phillipes have been turned into nightwear and I'm none too careful with usage.

Although the collars do get in the way of a good night's sleep......hmmmmmmm maybe the joke's on me then.....

Oh well whatever Never Mind......

poor man's version of caviar & blinis

is Brittania Crackers & Cheesy Dip ..... comfort food!!!

rarewitch is back

v.g.

aaannddd Ladies & Gentlemen we're back in business

And this time I hope to sustain the 'effort'. I'm inspired by another friend who is an avid blogger though not very tech savvy (self confessed). Also, it's been awhile since I managed to put thoughts together anywhere so there.....
Just back from Goa - ok it's been a week but it feels like a part of me is still walking down the beach at 6 in the morning! The ocean's beautiful at dawn and there peace and quiet all around -except the two overfriendly dogs i could've definitely done without :) and I was in good company. My total sleep tally over a period of three days reads at 4 hours .....for the rest of the time I was dancin' - be it in the water fighting high tide or on the dance floor. Notable activites also include banging on Dennis' door at 1.30 AM alongwith 10 other like minded ppl who believe VPs should not be allowed to sleep so early on what essentially was our last night in Goa - we decided to serenade the man with loud raucous renditions of 'Shirdi Waale Sai Baba'. Well he wasn't impressed - never opened the door so then we decided to go wake up everyone else..... banged on quite few doors - woke up most of our own and some poor petrified guests too (they probably thought - ah well it was too late in the night and wayyy tooo early in the day to think).
Will complete this later.....
The beach was amazing.....
The party was even better - no well close call between the party & the beach .....