Growing up in Delhi

The year was 2002 and I was on my way home from college, walking my usual route through the park to reach home. It was a bright summer afternoon with its usual crowd of fellow commuters and roadside public. Just another day, until I saw them walking. Saw them look at me and slow down their pace.

The entrance to the park was the typical 3-line maze barrier, designed to limit entry/exit to one person at a time - and when I saw them look at me and slow down, somehow, in that split second before I entered the barrier, I knew what they intended to do. For once you're in the middle of the maze barrier, you can take exactly one step forward or back - you cannot walk sideways. You're trapped. 

I'd already entered the maze and so had they. And I remember the look in their eyes as I met their gaze. I knew what I had to do - and when they reached out to grab me, trapped by walls on either sides, I swung my handbag as a weapon and lashed out blindly, arms and legs flying any which way, aiming for one assailant's groin with my knee and trying to scratch the others face with my nails. And the bag as a shield worked terrifically (which is why, till date, I always carry over-sized handbags to work and play). And I screamed like a banshee all this while, hurled invectives, spouted venom, cursed like the Punjabi that I am - anything vile that came to immediate recall was deployed as my third weapon. I had not time to think or be scared - only to defend and fight with every inch of my being. They fled. One of them made a move as if to come back and I threw stones and continued screaming. And then, I ran out of the park as fast as I could. Thank god for adrenaline and comfortable shoes - I ran like I'd never run before until I reached the local marketplace and then collapsed.

I was lucky. So goddamned lucky - that they weren't carrying knives, they didn't seem to have planned this out much in advance, that my split second hunch had armed me, that I chose to wear comfortable clothes and sneakers, and that, when the time came, I fought and probably scared the shit out of them. But most of all, I was lucky in that my assailants were kids. They were street urchins - One must've been around 13-14 years of age and the other looked to be 9 or 10. And when the adrenaline wore off, taking with it my exultation at being able to defend myself, the 'What If 's hit with a vengeance and I shivered in the bright noon-time sun. 

I dialed for a male friend to come and get me from the marketplace - merely stating that it was an emergency. Called D, who was waiting for my usual I've-reached-home-I'm-safe ring and told him that I'd speak with him later (because I needed to get home before the tears and full blown hysteria came). Reached home, cried my eyes out, decided not to tell the folks but to change my commuting route and take the longer way home using only the main roads. And worked out other DIY safety rules. 

I've never talked about this ever since that day. Or about the time when I was walking 8 year old sister home from the day care center and figured two burly men were following us in the rapidly falling twilight - I used my extensive knowledge of gallis and street lanes to evade them till I reached Nani's house and then called for mom to pick us up on her way home from work. And to poor, perplexed Sim, who was wondering why Didi insisted on playing this game of running, stopping, hiding and dodging, I explained that we were indeed playing a game, a sort of Aliens-are-after-us pretend game of Hide and Seek. Thank god for my li'l girl's active imagination, hyperactive athleticism and supreme belief in me - she followed orders to run, dodge and hide uncomplainingly and without tantrums. And we reached home-base without any aliens or bad guys.

There are more incidents like these than I care to recall, and one which I will never ever speak about. Growing up in Delhi - you learn to 'manage'. You learn to 'cope'. You learn to live with constant fear as a woman and you learn to figure out your own 'jugaads' . You learn to live within the freedom of the 7am-7pm parental curfew. You learn to dress within the acceptable confines of over-sized tees and baggy jeans (T and the girl gang, and the rest of you who thought that was me being geeky chic - nope! It was one more safety rule that I devised to blend in and not draw unwanted and unwarranted male attention ). D - now you know why my dressing style changed when I reached Mumbai - for once, I could wear what I liked without an inordinate amount of fear over what might happen.

And why did I choose to not tell my parents ? Because there was nothing they could've done - short of restricting my freedom of movement completely and asking me to wear a burqa. And for two folks who'd always considered their daughters as treasures and raised them without a gender bias, I did not want to make it painfully obvious to them  at the end of the day, they'd raised two members of the weaker sex, who, outside of the chaardiwari would always be lesser citizen of this goddess worshipping nation. I knew and I'd make sure that Sim knew when the time was right - and that was enough.

Delhi is home - I grew up here. School's here, Nani's here, Connaught Place and my memories of Nirula's and India Gate and chasing balloons at Children's Park and of Beating Retreat and morning walks and after dinner jogs (Papa walked and I jogged to keep up! ), the usual drama of teen angst and tree-lined avenues and the ruins of Indraprastha and history at the turn of every corner. And the flag flying from the ramparts at the Red Fort. My roots are here.

And so is the fear that I've grown up with. And that I live with every day.

(Excuse the typos - this is one piece that has been years in the making and now that I've poured it all out, I have no wish to revisit this one)

Nickleback

"How the hell'd we wind up like this....why weren't we able.....to see the signs that we missed..."

Like the time you hit me so hard my head snapped back and hit the metal railing behind and we had to get all those scans done. What was it, that argument, over the red dress I was wearing and you weren't happy but I loved it so and it was my birthday and that was my birthday dress and as I caught admiring glances, you voiced protests and dire threats in an undertone and then as I argued back, you snapped and you hit me. And you swore it was the wine and the weather and the fact that I'd be leaving town again in a few days for a few months and it was driving you crazy and you loved me and you snapped and you were sorry oh baby please I'm sorry please forgive me and you'd never ever raise your hand on me ever again. And then a few months later, we sat in a park and argued and you snapped and you hit me again. And then I hit you back. And just like that, we became the couple that fought with fists and not just with words...

Or the time I went out partying with the class and the seniors and spent the entire evening nursing a solo drink, glued to the phone explaining that no I wasn't dancing and no I wasn't having fun and no all I wanted to do at my own freshman dance was to sit in a corner nursing a solo drink and talk to you and baby oh baby please don't leave me I love you so don't let me go stay with me a minute or two. And the minutes turned to hours and everyone laughed and drank and sang and danced and I talked to you till the battery ran out on the phone and the money was gone. And then when I called next, you were so worried for me you yelled and said why couldn't I have borrowed someone else's phone and called you and that I was a heartless bitch who was just playin' with your heart...And to punish me, you went for your freshman dance but swore you were home watching TV and I called and some girl picked up your phone and then it went off and then the next morning I was a crazy bitch for doubting you and no that wasn't a hangover just a headache brought on by watching TV all night...

Do you remember when I met a friend and we took that picture of us smiling, arm in arm because we were friends and you looked at it and said "You're sleeping with him aren't you?" and I was taken aback and before I could even process what you'd said my silence was held as proof of guilt and then there was that list of all my guy friends and folks who were practically family and knew me since childhood and had climbed trees with me and scraped knees together and studied for exams and classroom projects and shared high school gossip and broken hearts and teenage angst and nurtured dreams and fueled ambitions and cried over the occasional failed grade and held on through 20 years of life and for you, they were all men I'd slept with...and you made me tear that photo and you made me erase each number and you took me away from my friends and my family because oh baby you loved me so and you couldn't bear to put me in danger and the wicked world was a dangerous place and the only place I would ever be safe was in your arms and you held a knife to my throat and slashed...

The bills we ran up and I paid for, the fancy wedding and the gifts you wanted for your family that I paid for and the joint account with my money that you withdrew before walking out the door and the money you want now for freeing me from this farce of a marriage. And my dreams and my hopes and my love and my trust and all of me that I poured into you my heart my lifeblood my soul that went down the drain like milk turned sour.....and my inability to trust myself or anyone else again and my rage and my tears and my sleepless nights and my nightmares and the days when everything is lost and I am broken and beyond repair .......all this and more......

I WANT MY NICKLE BACK.

The Singles' Rule

This one has been awhile in the making now ....... it's crafted itself out of experiences - in retail therapy, spa visits, eating out, dancing out, making out, just living actually . It's pretty much written itself from all the gawks, the stares, the open mouthed jaw dropping looks of astonishment and pretty much whatever facial expressions/ body language the world could throw as those of us who're called 'The Singles' as we go about on our retail therapy, spa visits, eating out, dancing out, making out and just living our lives - to the fullest .

Really - living it to the fullest...

1. When we say we're living our lives to the FULLEST, we REALLY MEAN IT : take it as a fact. And not as if we were trying to explain or justify or cover up in some way for being single. Because we really aren't - we're actually too busy enjoying our lives to the hilt to really try and cover up for a 'lack' that we don't even feel. Which brings us to-

2. We're single by choice - let's look at the logic on this one first. Given the population that this world has, do you really think most of us couldn't pair up / be paired up with if we'd wanted to??? The thing is, we're so busy with Point No. 1. above, we wouldn't want to just settle for anything that walks , talks and can 'rise to the occasion' on occasion. We'd want to give up being single only if we really think we've met someone we like enough to want to transition from all the 'singles fun' to all the 'paired up fun' (I'm sure that world exists too - seriously). We're willing to trade up - but not trade off.

3. We have friends and families - who care about us and who we care about deeply. We hang out with them all the time , except when we'd just like some alone time by ourselves. We're always in the thick of things social and familial, we love to go over to the extended clan's house every now and then for home cooked meals and family banter, we also spend time ripping apart/ defending (depending on where our mood's at) our best buddies to their home folks while eating home cooked food at their houses. Family time is not the exclusive domain of couples/ paired ups.

4. Our friends are a part of our lives - but our entire life doesn't revolve around them . And this one cuts both ways. Like all animals, we herd together - at parties and malls and brunches and movies etc... We love each other, we'll always be there for each other but - we have our own separate lives too. So the next time you look at one of us and think our choice of lifestyle has anything to do with wanting to be with our friends 24/7 - think again. Which brings me to -

5. We cherish our alone time - days spent lazing around the house doing nothing, jogging to music in the mornings, catching winter sunlight on the terrace with coffee and a good book - just being ourselves by ourselves. We simply love it. And when the socializing gets too much, we crave our alone time enough to spend entire weekends by ourselves as well as spending time on -

6. Vacations and eat outs and shopping sprees and watching movies - all of this doesn't necessarily have to be a shared experience all the time. We get hungry - and that doesn't mean we have to rely on takeout or cook our own meal - we're very well able and entitled to a table for one at the nearest pizzeria/fine dine. Repeat after me - Dining out is not the exclusive domain of pairs/groups, Vacationing is not the exclusive domain of pairs/groups, Retail Therapy works equally well when you're indulging in it all by yourself and watching a good movie by oneself doesn't mean we're losers who no-one wants to watch a movie with.

7. We're responsible adults - sure we date around, have impromptu sleepovers, get a li'l high and more than a li'l naughty every now and then but then the alarm clock rings and like everyone else who has a job, we hit the shower and get to work. We exchange glances and winks with random strangers at a bar - but only when we know we have solid backup to rely on in case the sitch gets too hot to handle. When the day's been rough, we catch up with the 'gang' over a drink or coffee (depending on what tomorrow's supposed to look like), we hook up with people we like and who like us back enough to hook up with us - but we keep our priorities straight and we play it safe. Translated - not all of us are junked up alcoholics having random sex with random strangers every night who then wake up by the roadside/ in said random strangers' beds and do the walk of shame...

8. We don't hate you or envy you or yearn for your way of life - sure, we get lonely sometimes but that doesn't make us want to give up what we have for the next best offer of couple-dom that comes along. As mentioned earlier, we won't just settle, when the time comes - we'll make an informed decision so that we don't look back and regret the transition from some of the best days of our lives to something not quite as exciting. We think our 'couple friends' rock - we're happy that they're happy and if not, we try and help them get there. Negativity of any kind is not an option - we're too busy living this life before we move on to another phase to envy/hate/yearn.

Those were the '8' that crafted themselves - readers are welcome to post more of their own.